Friday, April 3, 2009

The Moment

My life is one of great complexity these days. My girlfriend of three years (three glorious years if you ask me) just dumped me out of the car going sixty down a country road. Now... some might view this as an overreaction but I've come to accept it as simply a reaction. I mean it could have been worse. I couldn't have been wearing any clothes, for instance. She at least did me the kindness of allowing me to dress myself (mostly) before trundling me into the car and then springing the door open at sixty miles an hour while I wasn't even wearing my safety belt. Take that as a lesson, always remember to wear a seatbelt when driving around with the love of your life... you never know what might happen. As I fall, in rather slow motion (how else would I be able to internally dictate this!) I can't stop thinking about her hair. It is so shiny and smells so nice, and yes I'm aware the smell is artificial and not really coming from her.

What brought me to this deplorable state you ask? That is quite a long story, wow that's cliched. Just had to say it, didn't I? Every good story is a long one, unless its not. This story is really quite short and may inform the reader why I am not really angry at her at all. I mean, I may very well die after this fall has concluded but perhaps I'll just break a couple of bones. Maybe if I'm really lucky, in the split second before I hit the ground an alien spacecraft that has been lying dormant for millenia (under my very feet no less) will sense my impending doom and spring to life enveloping me in some bubble that will absorb all of my weight. No.... I suppose that has a very slim chance of happening but it always helps to be an optimist. The problems started this morning when I came home completely plastered. Before you judge me, it was my bachelor party.

...Did I forget to mention that my girlfriend and I were going to be married today? Hmm, I certainly need to bone up on my storytelling abilities. Anyway, I was wasted still from my bachelor party the night before and I was having the hardest time in the world waking up. Dreams were haunting me, literally, as I walked around trying to get ready for the big day. I could see my mother, who is long dead, following in my footsteps as I went into the bathroom to take a shower. The next thing I knew, Johnny Kruger (Freddie's twin.. made him up long ago) was trailing me with his banana fingers of doom - my mother wouldn't let me watch scary movies as a kid and she edited her bedtime stories quite severely. It was only much later that I realized how strange that, even edited, she deigned it appropriate to tell me the story of Johnny and his penchant for sending kids away to military school where they learned to be happy and productive members of society.

Where was I again? ... Oh, right, I was drunk. Check that, I was hungover. If I was still drunk this morning perhaps things might have gone slightly differently (actually they probably would have been far worse). Hold on, I need to check how close I've come to the road and the agonizing pain and/or death. .... I should be fine to finish the story, I have about 5 inches to go. At this current life flashing before your eyes timeline that should give me ....

"Coming up on News at 9. Joan the panda has given birth to quintuplets!!"
"Wow, that is something. Thank you John. In sadder news, a local man was thrown out of a car today on old interstate 7. Authorities have his ex-fiancee in custody now who claims that she threw him from the car because he stayed out too late at his bachelor party. She claims she didn't realize the fall would take his life."
"Tsk, Tsk. Let that be a lesson to all you men out there."

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